Planting for the Season
I hear French piano music playing at a whisper through the open kitchen door as I plant the salad garden for summer and autumn on the deck. My hands are covered in dirt and I can feel beads of sweat rolling down my back. Between songs there is enough silence that I can hear the hummingbird approach to observe what I am doing. As I plant each living thing, I am setting not just an intention for the plant to thrive but for myself as well.
Recently I have not been able to post my rituals for a number of reasons and it hurts my spirit each week missed. I have wanted to share what has been happening, but wanted to have some certain things finished before sharing with you all. There are many changes and issues in the forefront of my life right now, making this year one of the most challenging years I can remember.
Over the last year, I became sick and needed to face the fact that I suffer from chronic health issues. This is something I have been fighting since I was a kid. I wanted to deny my pain, my illness, and my physical weaknesses in hopes that they would just go away. I blamed myself, thinking and saying I was just being lazy and irresponsible. I tried everything under the sun to just be “normal.” What I have realized in the time leading up to the Capricorn Full Moon is that chronic illness is something I have been living with almost my whole life and I need to stop denying it. What has developed in the last few years will require surgery and will change my body forever. It is connected to the Mother Wound that I am working with and if forced to talk or even think about the changes to come, I weep. On one level I cry because I have never struggled to resolve something as large as a Mother Wound before and I am exhausted.
In the middle of getting too sick to do anything but work, I was told my job would be ending this summer. This was heartbreaking but also liberating. I was working at what I thought was my dream job only to realize it was not. My Mother Wound was also crashing into my work life. In all my jobs in the last decade, I’ve worked for women and it has been one disaster after another. Please don’t get me wrong, I love women; love helping them achieve their dreams, witnessing them grow, be strong and become super heroes in the process. But I cannot be “managed” by them. I can see where the Mother Wound plays out when it comes to work place dynamics and no longer want to take part in it. I worked in a stressful and male-dominated industry where being female often put you were at a disadvantage. I watched as less qualified men were promoted, offered bonuses and encouraged even when they could not turn assignments in on time while the females on the team were told they were not nice enough, and were criticized for not covering for their male coworkers and eventually held back from jobs that they were qualified for because, they were “not the right fit”. I watched as deadlines were imposed only for female members of the team but somehow didn’t apply to the males. I watched as females had to work three times as hard to prove their worth and were still ignored while other team members were showered with attention for doing the basics of their job.
Needless to say, I have been battling this Mother Wound on all levels. In my body, at work and in my creative life. I didn’t want to talk about the Mother Wound because it’s so deep and personal and it’s reaching every part of my life. I didn’t want to talk about it because there are many female family members that are still alive and not ready to acknowledge the damage this wound has caused in our family. I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t want it to be real. But I can now see how it has seeped into all the areas of my life and how I must end my relationship with it.
Because of everything going on, I decided to take the summer to heal and to focus on whatever is right in front of me; slowing down my life to process all the changes and new realities. I decided my writing is more important to me than the corporate ladder or an ego-based position. During this Full Moon, I decided the creative, magical part of me is worth more than trying to feed my ego or seek approval from family members that may never approve of me. I decided that the way to heal my Mother Wound is to be the loving mother I need to myself.
I miss my rituals. I miss the magic being easily accessible and I miss sharing my journey with you all. I think of you all daily and want to be able to get back to our regular content. And I promise, it’s coming. I just am not sure yet when. I am slowing down but my anxiety is still very high. I am currently overwhelmed by people, noise and traffic. I am attempting to spend as much time as I can this summer alone in nature. I will be spending as much time outside as I can; hiking, gardening, sitting and listening to the wind. I will be spending what social energy I have with the magical ladies that are helping me to heal. These women hold me while I work on accepting that my body is no longer normal nor able to live like everyone else. These women show up when I need them and remind me of the important work I am doing with Ritual Coaching and how my body, my Mother Wound and my ego-battles will all eventually heal. It’s ok to not work in the corporate world, it’s ok to not have a family or be married. It’s ok to spend time alone so that I can share my magic with my clients and help them manifest their dreams. It’s ok to be female in a male-dominated world. It doesn’t mean I am a failure simply because I no longer can live the life that our male-dominated society told me I needed to live. It’s ok to be female, to be led by my intuition to want to help people
So for this Full Moon and for the week after, I will be planting intentions. I will be connecting with the Earth; its soil, water, sun and wind. I will be using this week to become stronger in my vision for this next phase in my life. I will be focusing on letting go of all the protections that I put in place to survive a life I no longer want to be a part of. I will be letting my true self come out and I will accept her. All of her. Including her need for alone time, her need for silence, her need for raw foods and hot tea.
The Capricorn Full Moon showed me my sharp edges, the places where I was hurting myself. This beautiful moon also helped me to realize that healing starts with me. It starts in my heart and extends out to the rest of me and everyone I encounter. It starts in my womb which is undergoing transformation and healing. It starts with slowing down enough to learn from the Moon and all the beautiful lessons she shares with us on a nightly basis.